Affirmation

Good Friend. Bad Girlfriend.

This post is about a question that truly baffles me: Why doesnt being a good friend automatically translate into being a good girlfriend?

I really want to know. I was thinking about myself and a few friends similar to me that are single. We all are great friends; supportive, loving, understanding, etc so I wonder why then, when it comes to relationships are these qualities not enough to make it work.

I came up with the following conclusions:

EXPECTATION- Expectations, in my opinion are one of the number one relationship ruiners in the beginning stages. With friends, you know who they are and what to expect. With guys, you know what you want them to do is what you expect them to do...which HELLO is definitely rarely the case. Expectations also add pressure that is non applicable to friendships I believe.

SEX- People tend to usually not have sex with their really close friends, and this is a reason things are simple. You are not ever really expected to sleep with a friend (unless you all get down like that I suppose) but you are, at some point expected to sleep with your mate...which can lead to heightened emotions on the smallest of things...leading to issues in the relationship.

LOVE- If you have great friends, it's safe to say that you love or have love for them. Thats a no brainer. With a boyfriend, in order for it to work in the long haul you must not only love him, you must be in love with him. Being in love changing everything and with that, you must learn a new type of l-o-v-e that you may not be used to. Regardless loving a friend is not like loving your man.

Those are what I came up with so far. Have any more? I'd love to discuss this. Drop a comment or @ me on twitter with hashtag #singlegirlshxt

Has Technology Ruined the "Getting to Know You" Stage?

 

 

Is it just me or is the "getting to know you stage" annoying?

In an instant "microwave" society, the truth is that relationships are one thing that still takes time to cultivate. Just a decade ago, (just typing that makes me feel so old) meeting a new potential beau was so exciting. You anticipated getting to know him, his likes and dislikes and staying up allll night long on the phone with him talking about anything, everything and nothing at all. Ahhh those were the days.

NOW, I believe technology has ruined those sweet moments we used to enjoy. I myself am guilty of googling people I just met and basically through a series of twitter/facebook/instagram stalking- finding out their whole life story to decide if I should continue to pursue...ya know, just to make sure they're not psycho, married, gay or anything else. This basically is a set up for failure, because you'll realize he's not perfect and he's exposing all these quirks and flaws that you probably wouldnt have seen until months on in, but you just dont care enough to invest in such a risky situation so soon...so you decide already that talking to him is probably not in your best interest and to keep it moving...then repeat.

We fail to realize that getting to know people takes one thing: TIME. All our family, our friends, our coworkers, our associates, anyone that we know well enough has taken time for the relationship to be established...and the same goes for relationships whether we like it or not. If someone was to judge me by my online presense alone, Im not sure what my score would tally up to. I know that if they spent the time with me, saw my sense of humor (which really doesnt translate online like in person), saw my smile, heard my goals and dreams from my mouth and my fears and dislikes THEN they could be able to make a decision on whether Im the type of person they would want to be with. I'd hate to be prejudged or to prejudge someone else, so Im going to try to not look at facebook/twitters or instagrams so harshly when getting to know someone. I know for sure that'll be hard for me, because Im nosy, but I really think that in the long run it'll help to establish better relationships.


How do you all feel about the issue? Anybody else can admit to cyberstalking a new boo? lol

Reluctant to Take Love Advice From Your Single Friends? Read This.

A pretty common myth I've heard throughout the years is the "single girls cant give good love advice" one. For a while I believed it to be true and would even tell anybody asking me for advice in that area that they should definitely take heed. Then I really thought about it  and realized that, although I've been living as a "bachelorette" (okay my word for a 'chronic single' that makes me sleep better at night) I have pretty invaluable advice to offer to those in need.

So my advice to anyone reluctant to take heed to any cautionary tales or tips for improvement from single girls is this: YOU CAN LEARN FROM ANYONE. Literally everyone is a teacher, whether their life lesson is on what to do or what not to do...but let me step back from that profound idea and reel this back to the subject: Dating advice.

If you have good friends, even if they are single, the bottomline is this: They want you to be happy. So the advice they give you may be something obvious that is missing that you cant see because you are blinded by love.   Another reason not to shun the help of a single sister is because she may have been where you are before. Just because she's single now, doesnt mean she has  never been in love before. Maybe, just maybe her insight is just what you need because it come from experience, whether it's something that she knows through a successful relationship or a failed one.

Lastly, I believe that if you have a trustworthy friend, single or not, you should at least listen to the advice that  they offer and not reject it solely based off of their relationship status is because that is discriminatory. How would you like it if someone you cared for didnt listen to your potentially beneficial advice just because you were a woman? gay? black? unemployed? You wouldnt. Because while there are many things that are specific to certain situations, we all have way more in common than we have as differences, including the need to love and be loved, and the desire to see loved ones doing well.

With all that being said, advice from anyone, even this very blog should be taken with a grain of salt. Take with you what will work for you and leave what doesnt.

In love with the idea.

It's funny. I was laughing the other day at how some people reminisce on a life wayyyy grander than it actually was. The stories are so elaborate, detailed and epic and mostly NOT true. This is of course about the people who I know for sure weren't living the life they seem to have remembered. But these colorful story tellers led to me to a thought that I think pertains to reminiscing on certain loves from our pasts. To put it clearly: It wasnt all roses.

I can think of someone who, when Im feeling really lonely I look back on and miss. I miss his personality, his touch, his friends, his smile, and when Im feeling lonely, the list goes on and on. BUT when I reallllly think about him without the googly eyes, I realize that what Im missing wasnt there the majority of the time. In reality he was a detached, emotionally unavailable jerk. Someone who I would now not waste time on, simply because I know now that it would be a dead end relationship, and I deserve better.

So in reality, yes I do miss him in a sense because he was a friend. BUT  more than him, I miss the ideal version of him in my head. The him that I wanted him to be, not the real him. I miss all the good times that coulda, woulda, but didnt happen because in reality it just wasnt that good.

So now, when Im looking back at what was and what wasnt, I try to take it all in truthfully. It wasnt all good, he wasnt all good, and neither was I. I cant create new memories now. I can learn from the past though, which is what I intend on doing.

Anyone else reminiscing on what wasnt? leave a comment.

What the F@$# Is Up With my Gaydar ?

Im semi embarrassed to admit that I dont think my Gaydar is not working like it used to. To be clear I have NO problem with gay people...I just dont want to be dating a gay man, as Im sure a lot of straight women dont. And lately, according to the 'dar' everybody's gay.

I say this because I find myself either questioning a man's masculinity or excusing it. For instance, I met a guy who was VERY close with his friend, they were hitting each other, he even bit him lovingly. For me, I thought that was EXTREMELY gay. I dont know, like love taps or something, then I felt bad and like I was being closed minded. Maybe, just maybe that was their relationship and they were just two straight men not afraid to show their love to each other...but even that sounds gay.
To make a not so long story even shorter, I gave one of them my number. But then never kept in contact.

Another guy I was actually involved with was really cool. He is really attactive and has a lot of good qualities, but in my imagination I can see him being gay. He's cute and friendly and friends with a few guys I suspect to be gay ( I am aware that this is an unfair judgement) so I cant help but to think 'birds of a feather'...

This is happening pretty commonly, so either Im attracting gay guys (I do live in Atlanta) OR Im becoming jaded. Either way, I dont like it. I would like to meet a man who has a balance of masculinity and sensitivity without feeling like he swings for the other team.

#thatisall #semirant

My Own Double Standard Revealed.

At age 25, I can truly say that I've had my fair share of bad friends. I've had psycho friends, sensitive friends, liars, insecure messes and total f*cking nut cases. I say that to say, now a days I have my core group of REAL friends, who are stable, loving, supportive and genuine. I am grateful for them, they've been around and will be around. I say all that to say this: People with NO friends worry me.

When I look back, every single horrible friendship began with one thing in common: me befriending someone with NO other friends. As I look back, I think that right there should have been a red flag. If you dont know how to keep a friend, most likely you dont know how to be a friend. And I happen to be one who truly values myself as a friend and my friends.

So today, I really thought about my belief in friendships and how that pertains to me in RELATIONSHIPS. I am someone who hasnt been in one in a LOOOOONG time. So if I havent been a girlfriend, is it because I dont know how to be a girlfriend? According to my previous statement on friendship, then YES.

Of course I dont want to believe that. I know my not applying the friendship rule to the relationship rule is a double standard, but it makes me sleep better at night. Im single because I havent met him. And thats the story Im sticking to.

Are your Single Girl Habits Keeping you, well Single?

While perusing through one of my favorite guilty pleasure gossip forums lipstickalley, I came across a thread that was interesting to me entitled: What Are Your Single Girl Habits. Of course, I had to check it out.

Here are some of the things people listed as their SGH (single girl habits):

1. Procrastinating with dishes, trash, and laundry and using my bed as a desk
2. I dont shave my legs as often.
3. I come and go when i want
4.  I do everything in my bed (eat, sleep, surf the web, watch tv, read, talk on the phone
5. Wash clothes/dishes only when I run out
6. Sometimes I'm too lazy to put my clothes away so they sleep on my bed or computer chair.
7. I rarely cook
8. If something falls, most likely it will sit there for a week or two
9. Cooking project food. I had white rice, scrambled eggs and fried smoked sausage with a little salt and butter!
10. Normally, I change my sheets weekly but on occassion I get lazy and won't do it for 2 weeks.

I lol'd as I can relate to a majority of them (hey, i've been single for a while, no judging). But I really want to know if things really change once committed. Also it's so funny how sloppy us gals can be when we're not attached. LOL.

Have any Single Girl Habits? Leave a comment below

#twitterfiles : BAD ADVICE

I am someone who enjoys using twitter (Follow me here) and I follow a plethora of gurus, artists, friends and interesting people. So basically I come across so many viewpoints it's interesting. What i've concluded is that there's just too many perspectives when it comes to advice...especially love advice.

But when  I saw this tweet by @Notebook (based off the movie I suppose) I just SMH'd.

Really? Now 2,089 people believe that a girl ignoring you means love? C'mon. Lets be responsible with giving love advice!

5 Things to do NOW while you're still single

You are single, it's not a curse or reason to be depressed. You should live it up before your life changes dramatically (once you get in a relationship.) Here's a list of 5 simple things you can do now while you're still single. Take heed.

1. TRAVEL-I am all for traveling and exploring the world while Im still single. I know that right now I have the freedom to do it and the only other schedules or considerations I have to make are the ones with my friends who I travel with. I know that when I do get a man, we can travel too but really that comes in later in the relationship (in my opinion) and it's just nothing like traveling with your friends. Ahhh freedom.
2. REFLECT- I think during your singlehood, you should use free time for reflection. Notice the patterns of past relationships, what you could improve on, what changes you need to make and what new attitudes to take on.
3. IMPROVE- Since like attacts like, you want to improve yourself so that you attract the best of the best. Go after the career you want, take up a course, learn a new trade, start a business. Do things that will improve your life and he'll show up when you least expect it, when you're at your best.
4. TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF- You feel so much better about yourself when you look and feel good inside and out. You also radiate confidence when you value yourself so much that you eat right, exercise and stay looking fabulous. Of course this is one of the things you'll definetly want to continue after you've met "him".
5. HAVE FUN!- Dont stress, live your life. Buy a deal on living social. Dance on the couches in the clubs. Plan a random road trip. Do the things you like to do. I can guarantee you wont meet your mate by being couped up in the house waiting.

Have any more? Drop a comment below.